Motherhood !

In continuation to my previous post ..... I often consoled myself and had a confidant named Ms. Hiral who would patiently listen to me and offered her assurance that I would be a wonderful mother one day. She seemed to understand me (or was it just a farse, later on Ms. Hiral the Sweet Poison). I sucked up all the ill that was thrown at me. I pretended to ignore the comments and tried to "fit in" to these perfect people with perfect lives and lovely kids. I played with their kids like mine, I was still reminded by Manali that it is different when you have your own ! Wasn't it enough already? Over the years we became good friends with Deepal and Chirag, their daughter Manya was just like my kid, I gave her baths, changed her diapers, fed her, took her shopping only to be told off that I couldn't baby sit her because I wasn't a "family". Deepal along with Manali would later plot an exit for me and create a void when I had my kid and I thought my kid would have his friends/Cousin equivalents, uncles and aunties just like I was to their kids. Any ways, after a long long wait, my final IVF was successful, turns out, I was another statistics. I was one of those 5% women who conceived at a later time than a normal woman does. The lady doctor who helped me get pregnant told this to me. Wonder why wouldn't the earlier doctor do this, he was the pioneer of the Fertility center and was in the business for 35 long years. This old doctor of mine retired and to my luck I got a new Dr. J who told this discovery to me. Had it not for her, I would have lost last of my embroys to the previous Dr. D. What a waste of time, money,energy and mental trauma. Dr. J told she just needs to adjut a single dose of the medicine and that would cover the extra time that is needed for me to conceive and Voila ! Was I pregnant the very first time she treated me and there I was, holding my tiny little miracle after 8-9 years of turmoil.

Journey to Motherhood !

So it's me again after a decade long gap; what happened in the past decade you ask, well; LIFE. Although it is futile to give any explanations for the long absence, I waited inorder to write down my journey to motherhood. And yes, did I become a mother to a sweet little boy a couple of years ago. So here I am, writing again in the wee hours of the morning. Somethings never change and I like it that way. meanwhile lot has changed in my life and I am going to write my story, I am going to make myself vulnerable here. My journey to motherhood started back in 2010, I was in my late 20's and just like everyone around me, I wanted to be a mom but then I had to be a statstic that no one wants to be. We were a couple who could not conceive naturally. So we embarked on a journey to seek medical help. The series of tests, diets, excercises, medicines, supplements started. Mind was pregnant with all the beautiful things to be. But as the destiny has it, it wasn't just a hopeful dreamy twinkle-eyed journey but was filled with roller coaster of emotions with each passing year until finally I held my baby in the fall of 2018. It was the most wonderful moment of my life despite the 56 long hours of labor. Yes, you read it right, those were 56 damning hours which now seem like a bleek and I feel that if I don't write them down, I won't remember it at all. Such is the nature of nature. Wonder Huh ! So we learned that we needed medical intervention, we did reach out the best doctor in the town, attended a seminar they conduct on a cold December of 2010, they breifed the hopeful couples about the medical miracles and how science has advanced to provide parenthood to the millions of couples who were like us. The pictures of little babies brought a twinkle and a tear to each eye gazing at those slides. Doctors made it amply clear that IVF (Invitro fertilization) is no easy journey and a very invasive technique but the yearn to be a mom did not register any of it, the ultimate objective was to hold those tiny hands just like everyone around us was. After this we had a one-on-one consult with the doctor and the nurses, we had to start with the process called IUI (Intra-Uterine-Insemination) which far less invasive than IVF and since we were just starting out it was our best option given our age. You are put on a birth-control pill (yes, that's correct !) so the doctors can monitor your cycle and introduce you to various hormonal medicines and injections right in time, they trigger your ovaries to produce more eggs and then they insert you with your partners semen which is medically cleaned to only have best swimmers inside you, then the nature takes over and then the waiting game begins ! There's nothing you can do to expedite or orchestrate the process to be successful, the swimmers need to meet the egg and the egg needs to hatch. It is the beginning of long and cruel wait which is hopeful, dreary, anticipatory, fearful and at the same time full of expectations. You literally begin to believe that you are pregnant (thanks to the hormonal overdose). HA! Only to learn later on that you aren't which is the beginning of the most painful period, all the medications are suddenly stopped like someone has pulled out a switch and you are now waiting to bleed. The excruciating mental and physical pain is unbearable, you never get used to the feeling. Instead it drains you each and every time. And it did for me for a long 8 years. Well, it didn't start like that, the very first IUI was successful, we were elated beyond our imaginations only to learn in a short 6 weeks that it was a chemical pregnancy and the hearbeat was no where to be found which was followed by a series of these events. IUI's after IUI's, IVF's after IVF's was just painful. Let me be honest, I am a person who is happy with others success but I felt sadness, jealousy and intense heartache to see my friends becoming mothers, attending their baby-showers, sometimes hell broke loose just to hear someones pregnancy annoucement. Not to mention, many treated me differently because I didn't have a child, one Ms Manali (name changed) even asked me not to hold her baby as I didn't have one and I would harm the baby; while other Ms Ashminder told me that it is inconvinient to come and stay with us because I didn't have the baby gear or company for their kid to come and stay, other Ms. Deepal avoided keeping her kid with me as we were not a "family", and then one Ms. Kamya went on to say I had way too much time on my hand because I didn't have kids. So, it was a mental massacre at various levels, friends, family, hormonal. I was always the odd one. Talk about being in 21st century ! Somethings don't change and I don't like them.

End of Holiday Season

I think, I feel like writing in the wee hours of morning when the daily hustle bustle is yet to begin.
This post and its topic struck me yesterday evening while returning from a grocery store. I went past the traffic light towards my community gate and something seemed a little weird, then when I turned to a lane towards my house everything was dark, AND here it struck me, the holiday decorations were all taken down, the lights were gone, the garage doors weren't open and hence the silence.
Well, silence, serenity, peacefulness is abundant in the US of A but it pricks the most when it comes after the holiday season.
Every year (since I have come here) I now look forward for the holiday season. It starts a little early for us, the Indians, with the Diwali celebrations, followed or preceded by Halloween, thanks-giving, Christmas and the new year.
The cold weather creeps in to say hello to the holidays. Charming quaint cobbled decorations on the streets, malls and in the back and front yards of the houses elates your mind and fills it with joy. The very presence of all these little things changes the mood in your surroundings. To add to the celebs, our very own idiot box too turns holiday-ish, they start playing Christmas movies, nearly every advertisement has a holiday jingle and a holiday message attached to it. Santa, Christmas tree and ferries wheel are an integral part of any mall. The entire world around you seems to be dressed for a wedding. I even notice a change in the attitude of the people, I could be biased. Trust me its all "Joy to the world ... " feeling.
No soul is left untouched by this beautiful season but like all the other things in the world any thing that begins has to end. A little after the new year the winding up and bundling down starts off. The lights come down the tree is packed for the next year to come. The red, the green, the yellow the blue, the glitter, the shimmer, the twinkle the jingle everything, just everything; suddenly is over.
This is when I start feeling empty to my stomach, somewhere I simply hate to let it go. I feel as if the magic is all gone, it just sways away like a sand and I stand there helpless. It's like a father of the bride who just stands to see his daughter married away, you want to hold onto it, but you are helpless and you should tame your mind to accept the reality. I see it slipping away from me just like the distance between the father and the daughter.
Well, at least I am not unfortunate like he is, I know the holiday will be mine soon enough.
Even before I realise, I will have accepted the fact and will resume with the routine, perform my daily chores and even forget and laugh at this post.
But, for now, I don't want to let it go, don't want to let it go.

Cultural Shock

Its been long since I found some time to write. Unlike everytime, this post takes its place almost suddenly. Some events around here triggered this post.

Ever since I landed in USA, people asked me various questions like, "how do I like the country?" , "how is the weather? , the culture, the infrastructure etc etc.
Amongst other such questions, the one that every person in US asked me was "Did you have a cultural shock?" and my answer to it was always NO. This somehow amused people, some had a look as though I knew everything about America, few gave me a foolish look and some others made fun of me stating I haven't seen real America and there were few who themselves were in a so called shock for having to use paper instead of water. According to me there are few things every civilization does in a certain way, in this era of knowledge sharing and IT, I, personally feel such little things are very well known to a person who wants to enter US or for that matter any other part of the world.

Well, I respect these people's feelings, may be I haven't seen too much of this country but there was no shock in its essence what so ever. Few terminologies were different, the twang was different but apart from that nothing.
But yeah recently something happened that really blew me away, made my heart sink and it was a real SHOCK, yes a cultural shock to me.

here goes the story...

A few Sunday's ago we (my husband and I) were on our regular India call. After talking about the routine stuff Suyog's dad broke a news that some one from their society (community as you may say here) expired whom Suyog happened to know well, his dad mentioned to us that the entire society was in grief and many people actually did cry over his death. The entire community of around 60 + apartments gathered before that person was to be cremated. Suyog too kept feeling bad for another day or two, which was obvious.

Now this is routine in India, nothing really worth mentioning over a post which speaks about sudden shock.

On a past Saturday (22nd Aug 2009), we were busy preparing for the Ganesha festival. While passing by I saw an office staff cleaning the apartment of my neighbour. My neighbour was a old lady named "Virdeen" who often needed help in cleaning and the stuff. She was a nice lady and used to sit besides her apartment window making jewellery (yeah she sold imitation/fashion jewellery) or playing some game. We often waved at each other, enquired about each others health and bid goodbye. Occasionally, we have even chatted for like half an hour, which my husband said was very unusual in US but it hardly mattered to me and she was a sweet lady.

So I asked this office staff, who was cleaning her apartment whether she was helping Virdeen out and very casually and calmly she came out and told me that Virdeen had passed away like 2 weeks ago. This really shook me from within. Further she mentioned that Virdeen had to be cremated by the office staff because she was the only child and never married, they even tried contacting Virdeen's cousins who denied to take up her responsibility due to the heavy expenses for burial and the stuff. This tore me apart, made me numb and yes it was a cultural shock to me.

Poor lady had no-one to cry over her death, I, being a neighbour, came to know about the news after 2 weeks, that too because of my inquisitive nature and since she was a good friend to me. This thing kept disturbing me. I have to pass her apartment to reach mine and everytime I look at the empty window I feel bad really bad. I feel sick to my stomach about the culture here, prosperity and money cannot buy you love, I had heard it all the time, read it all over and now I have seen it materialise.

This country who claims to sensitive about 9/11, terrorist attacks, etc does not care about their own people. Media celebrates the death of their pop star, their politician, people cry, tweet, sms, etc over the death of these celebrities but forget to mourn even for a minute for their own relatives.

This is America, now I know.

And yes, I have had a cultural shock, definitely a big one.

April 1 2008

Heyyy, wondering if I made a mistake, or you may think it's a typo, but it's not.
Its about that date, my experience and my memory relating to it.

The story has its roots sown well past in India. The day my dad purchased a new car, (ahh!!! now you know where I am heading) dad asked me to join a driving school, learn well and then experiment on the brand new "baby".

With all the enthusiasm, I finalized on a driving school, got my learner's permit done, and I was all set to drive. (here's the catch, I THOUGHT I was ready).

Day 1. Boring Driving lecture.
Day 2. Was actual hands on experience, I was all excited, but to my deepest of the sorrows (pun intended) I could hardly pick the car in the first gear. In the total of 30 mins class, I must have driven just a mile long.
Day 3. A little better, I could pick up the car in the first gear after a couple of trials and errors, which contributed to my nervousness all the more.
Day 4. I dragged my-self
Day 5. I missed... so on and so forth........

Some-how I completed(?) the 30 day class in a span of 60 days. I also managed to get a permanent licence. (and who said, miracles don't happen, they do, just believe in them :) ).
Do I really need to tell you what happened to my driving after that?

=========== END OF PART 1=========================

PART 2 BEGINS

In the mean while I forgot about my driving abilities. I was about to get married and up came the question from my groom to be , quote " can you drive a car"

and with all the confidence I said YES.
I got married, came to US, enjoyed the new country, the roads, the speed and up creeped the enthusiasm for driving THE CAR.
As per my hubby's info, I knew how to drive so he gladly took up the job to teach me, and to his greatest of the fears, I did not know how to drive. :((((((

Well, still he took up the challenge, the car here too had a manual transmission !!!!!

with great love, hate, tears, frowns, etc.... I started driving in my community where the speed limit is 10 miles per hour. My level of expertise reached upto gear 2 as I used only gear 1 and gear 2.

It goes without saying that it took me 3-4 months to ride this "beast" smoothly (but in the community itself).
So now that I was confident enough, I asked my husband to take me out on the road, after days of pursuading him, he finally agreed.


Alas !!!

So here comes April 1 2008, during noon, we came out to practice, after a round or two and unexpectedly, he asked me to take the car on the road. I was excited but scared and was trying to keep my calm.
After a coouple of mins, I was on the road, up came the instruction from him, race the car faster and engage the third gear, which I had never done !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The speed limit outside was 35 miles per hour and here I was, not knowing how to do it. OK somehow I pressed the clutch and he put the car in third gear. It was a shocking surprise to me as well as to my husband.

He did not want to take any further chances so he asked me to take the car back in the community through another gate. YES ! you guessed it right! I did not know how to put back the car in either first or second gear!!!!!

BUT I did make a schumacher turn and the car came to a screeching halt. Oh yeah, did I mention, we were totally fit physically. Lets avoid talking about mental states.

As it is very very obvious, I was not allowed to touch the car any longer.

So this was my April 1, 2008, where my hubby surprised me by asking to drive on the regular road and I made a BIG FOOL of myself.

============ END OF PART 2=============

PART 3 BEGINS

After, that event, I hardly drove that car. While my learners permit was about to expire, my husband gifted me with a brand new fully automatic car. (that day also happens to be my birthday !!!).

oh no... this time your guess is wrong.
I am a very safe driver now.
Trust me. People who have had a ride with me can vouch for me.

Thin line between Success and Failure.

wow... can't believe I am posting after three to four months... December just seems to have passed... and I am already in Spring.

sigh sigh :( long gone are the holidays.....

Well, I really wanted this one to be the third in the line. Why? is a difficult question, even I have no answer to it, but had thought of writing this post as my third one.

Very recently I experienced there's a thin line between success and failure, just that little difference or a margin. I am taking some exams and I happen to clear the first one on the edge; managed to score just enough marks to clear it. I was a very happy person then , it was the first paper in the series of four and " I HAD CLEARED IT". The journey towards reaching my first mile stone wasn't easy 'et-al', but just like my past record (mind you I am very enthusiastic when it comes to studies ;)), I started being lethargic and did not study for a long time.

Then after a series of arguments with my better half I started studying again. aah !!! what a relief it was for him. The days of slogging and toiling day and night were back again. :(

After some hard work I took the exam, and was awaiting the results, and to my hardest of the lucks (?) [ I should have studied in time and put in more efforts] I did not clear the paper and that too, for just ONE MARK, yeah one mark. Suddenly, it occurred to me, there's a huge difference between success and failure, its just that finishing line, which you need to touch in order to qualify.

Now I realised what it is to loose a championship for a tenth of a second. That tenth of a second, that one mark, that touch down has to happen. Even if you are up close and near, you are not a winner, its not a success, you fall "this" short of success and that's the bitter taste of failure.
The feeling of "you could have.... , and but its lost now.... " is worst than swallowing a bitter pill.

Well, undoubtedly, I got a huge support from my friends, family and husband, which is why I re-appeared in a months' time and here I am successful with flying colors this time.

but damn.... it was bad to fail for a mark !!!!

Christmas

I was having my regular morning walk today and guess what, I could smell the freshly baked cookies, may be it was true, may be it was just the atmosphere, so thought of jotting down my memories for christmas.

Christmas has a very special place in my mind. It makes me nostalgic almost every year and takes me back to my school days.

aaahhh !!!!!!! I still feel as though it was just last year that I was in school. It all used to start with second semester, mostly after the Diwali vacation. We all used to look forward for Sports Day, christmas celebrations and a yearly gathering (a cultural event).

Unlike now, Novemeber and December were soothingly cold which used to be perfect for all types of activities. List of sport events was sent to every class, nearly everybody participated in some or the other event, then the preliminaries, the quarter-finals the semi-finals followed. And finals were reserved for the day before Christmas vacation.

Our Principal (Sister Mercy) used to announce the date for "Sports Day" and then the entire school environment used to get elated, papers printed with christmas carols were sent out to each class, we now looked forward to usually boring PT (Personal Training) class. Everybody gathered in the school basement and next 45 minutes were pure joy, we practiced christmas carols. This routine followed for nearly 15 days before the school closing (which generally was 5 days before christmas and which also happens to be the Sports Day every year).

Attendance was made compulsary for Sports day, I still wonder why one would want to stay home and miss the March Past, the cheering for your house, teasing the girls from other house, boasting about how good our own house is, praying for the house to win and last but not least, the Christmas skit. (entire school is divided in 4 houses, viz Red, Blue, Green, Yellow, does anybody recollect Harry Potter)

After the prize distribution, we now gathered in the center of the ground for the much awaited skit. I clearly remember, we used start singing carols and one by one, Angels from the skit appeared and sang a couple of carols.

Suddenly there would be loud noise, an Angel (now I know, it was Gabriel) would tell Virgin Mary that she would soon give birth to a child who would be the "Messiah of the Lord" and would bring peace on the earth. Joseph and Mary were now shown going from one place to another as Mary is in deep pain, but nobody lents them a room for the night. Later they take shelter in a stable where Christ is born. The angel appears and sings "Silent Night, Holy Night" and also informs sheperhds about the Christ's birth.

The shepherds visit the baby and are follwed by three Kings, who bring lots of gifts for the Lord Christ. (which was the best part for me, as I used to envy the gifts :) and hoped I would someday get those many gifts)

This used to end the play but not the celebration, one of our teachers' dressed as Santa would throw chocolates at us and then there used to be huge chaos to collect those chocolates (though each of us got one later).

Sister Mercy would cut cake and we were all given a piece of christmas cake ( a plum cake usually). I do not know about others, but for me, it used to be a very special day as I loved the Play and believed deeply in it. I always prayed I could see snow on Christmas, and I did, last year in Chicago.

I still get smitten by all the memories. Every year I wish I could go to school to watch the Play.

The decorations I see here fill me with joy, the winter chill fulfills my wish of perfect christmas. The christmas movies create a cosy and romantic (meaning, colourful here)atmosphere, perfect for christmas, perfect for holidays. Somewhere deep down, I believe in the goodness of christmas. I am sure this season of red rekindles Love, Faith and Kind-ness in every heart

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!