Motherhood !

In continuation to my previous post ..... I often consoled myself and had a confidant named Ms. Hiral who would patiently listen to me and offered her assurance that I would be a wonderful mother one day. She seemed to understand me (or was it just a farse, later on Ms. Hiral the Sweet Poison). I sucked up all the ill that was thrown at me. I pretended to ignore the comments and tried to "fit in" to these perfect people with perfect lives and lovely kids. I played with their kids like mine, I was still reminded by Manali that it is different when you have your own ! Wasn't it enough already? Over the years we became good friends with Deepal and Chirag, their daughter Manya was just like my kid, I gave her baths, changed her diapers, fed her, took her shopping only to be told off that I couldn't baby sit her because I wasn't a "family". Deepal along with Manali would later plot an exit for me and create a void when I had my kid and I thought my kid would have his friends/Cousin equivalents, uncles and aunties just like I was to their kids. Any ways, after a long long wait, my final IVF was successful, turns out, I was another statistics. I was one of those 5% women who conceived at a later time than a normal woman does. The lady doctor who helped me get pregnant told this to me. Wonder why wouldn't the earlier doctor do this, he was the pioneer of the Fertility center and was in the business for 35 long years. This old doctor of mine retired and to my luck I got a new Dr. J who told this discovery to me. Had it not for her, I would have lost last of my embroys to the previous Dr. D. What a waste of time, money,energy and mental trauma. Dr. J told she just needs to adjut a single dose of the medicine and that would cover the extra time that is needed for me to conceive and Voila ! Was I pregnant the very first time she treated me and there I was, holding my tiny little miracle after 8-9 years of turmoil.

Journey to Motherhood !

So it's me again after a decade long gap; what happened in the past decade you ask, well; LIFE. Although it is futile to give any explanations for the long absence, I waited inorder to write down my journey to motherhood. And yes, did I become a mother to a sweet little boy a couple of years ago. So here I am, writing again in the wee hours of the morning. Somethings never change and I like it that way. meanwhile lot has changed in my life and I am going to write my story, I am going to make myself vulnerable here. My journey to motherhood started back in 2010, I was in my late 20's and just like everyone around me, I wanted to be a mom but then I had to be a statstic that no one wants to be. We were a couple who could not conceive naturally. So we embarked on a journey to seek medical help. The series of tests, diets, excercises, medicines, supplements started. Mind was pregnant with all the beautiful things to be. But as the destiny has it, it wasn't just a hopeful dreamy twinkle-eyed journey but was filled with roller coaster of emotions with each passing year until finally I held my baby in the fall of 2018. It was the most wonderful moment of my life despite the 56 long hours of labor. Yes, you read it right, those were 56 damning hours which now seem like a bleek and I feel that if I don't write them down, I won't remember it at all. Such is the nature of nature. Wonder Huh ! So we learned that we needed medical intervention, we did reach out the best doctor in the town, attended a seminar they conduct on a cold December of 2010, they breifed the hopeful couples about the medical miracles and how science has advanced to provide parenthood to the millions of couples who were like us. The pictures of little babies brought a twinkle and a tear to each eye gazing at those slides. Doctors made it amply clear that IVF (Invitro fertilization) is no easy journey and a very invasive technique but the yearn to be a mom did not register any of it, the ultimate objective was to hold those tiny hands just like everyone around us was. After this we had a one-on-one consult with the doctor and the nurses, we had to start with the process called IUI (Intra-Uterine-Insemination) which far less invasive than IVF and since we were just starting out it was our best option given our age. You are put on a birth-control pill (yes, that's correct !) so the doctors can monitor your cycle and introduce you to various hormonal medicines and injections right in time, they trigger your ovaries to produce more eggs and then they insert you with your partners semen which is medically cleaned to only have best swimmers inside you, then the nature takes over and then the waiting game begins ! There's nothing you can do to expedite or orchestrate the process to be successful, the swimmers need to meet the egg and the egg needs to hatch. It is the beginning of long and cruel wait which is hopeful, dreary, anticipatory, fearful and at the same time full of expectations. You literally begin to believe that you are pregnant (thanks to the hormonal overdose). HA! Only to learn later on that you aren't which is the beginning of the most painful period, all the medications are suddenly stopped like someone has pulled out a switch and you are now waiting to bleed. The excruciating mental and physical pain is unbearable, you never get used to the feeling. Instead it drains you each and every time. And it did for me for a long 8 years. Well, it didn't start like that, the very first IUI was successful, we were elated beyond our imaginations only to learn in a short 6 weeks that it was a chemical pregnancy and the hearbeat was no where to be found which was followed by a series of these events. IUI's after IUI's, IVF's after IVF's was just painful. Let me be honest, I am a person who is happy with others success but I felt sadness, jealousy and intense heartache to see my friends becoming mothers, attending their baby-showers, sometimes hell broke loose just to hear someones pregnancy annoucement. Not to mention, many treated me differently because I didn't have a child, one Ms Manali (name changed) even asked me not to hold her baby as I didn't have one and I would harm the baby; while other Ms Ashminder told me that it is inconvinient to come and stay with us because I didn't have the baby gear or company for their kid to come and stay, other Ms. Deepal avoided keeping her kid with me as we were not a "family", and then one Ms. Kamya went on to say I had way too much time on my hand because I didn't have kids. So, it was a mental massacre at various levels, friends, family, hormonal. I was always the odd one. Talk about being in 21st century ! Somethings don't change and I don't like them.